"Hi, I'm Drew Simon. Some people call me Pippin because I stole the show in a little film called Lord of the Rings. You may have also seen me under my pseudo nom alias "Robin Williams?" That's right, I'm hot stuff.

And because I'm such hot stuff, I've decided to give back a bit to the public. A bit more than I've already given. I'm fixing to start offering vocal classes at Mitch and Lisa Reed's Louisiana Heritage and Gifts store, and I'm offering you the opportunity to visit me for one free lesson. The date of the first lesson is yet to be announced, but, when made available, I will host a contest called "Who can sound the most like Dewey Balfa." If you win, you can stay for free. If you lose, you pay $15.

Here are some simple tips to keep in mind when trying to sing like me or Dewey or Larry Walker, and you will become a star in Hollywood.

1. When you sing, you must think of the saddest thing in the world. Whatever it is for you. And then, while you're thinking of that, cram your fingernails into your thigh and make the tears roll. Don't worry, everyone will cry with you too.

2. Be sure to only learn about 6 songs really well. Then, every time you perform them, everyone will say, "Wow, that cat got them songs good! I bet he knows plenty more songs, so we'll have to become his fan and follow him around until he pulls them out of his vast hat of endless knowledge."

3. Sing words that do not make any sense whatsoever. Here's a perfect example, "Hey bébé, t'après quitter. T'après quitter pour s'en aller dans les bons jours. Hey bébé, enterres-moi pas, mais viens me rejoindre pour t'en aller avec mon neg. Ca ca me fait du mal!"

4. Stand in front of a mirror when you sing, and straight your back! Allow the air to flow through your spine, or wherever it flows, and open up them passages within. While you're looking in the mirror, and standing completely naked, practice dancing and strumming an imaginary fiddle as you hold it in your bare arms while you sing. Right on!

5. At the utterly most appropriate time, belt out a holler like, "Oh yaille, c'est jamais était mieux!" or just yell out, "Ahh yeah, all night long!" And then, turn on the smoke machine and laser light show. If that don't get 'em, rip a backflip. If they still ain't pumped up, they must already be dead.

6. At the climax, the orgasm of the song, right before the drums rip into a solo or before the song changes keys or something, yell to your screaming millions of fans in the audience, "SOMEBODY SCREEEEEEAM!" and at that precise moment, motion to your stage manager to hoist and fling you into the air, flying across the room like an angel on crystal meth.

Well, you're on your way to becoming amazing. Stay tuned for the next update!